Surviving Infidelity: Comparisons to the Outside Lover & Reasons why you should not confront the Outside Lover

When seeking ways on how to stop an affair is it a good idea to confront the outside lover? Find out!

The victim of infidelity believes — and correctly so — that the outside lover's involvement with their partner threatens the survival of their family or committed relationship. They want to plead, curse, threaten or hurt this enemy so he or she will stay away.

The sentiment to attack the 'enemy' who has interfered with the normal functioning and wellbeing of their family is often strengthened by other family members demanding 'strong actions and quick results.' Often they offer their advice on how to stop an affair.

A parent or sibling may demand that the spouse who is a primary victim somehow fix the problem by challenging the right of the outside lover to pursue his or her spouse. Motivated by feelings of despair, this seems to be a very reasonable plan on how to deal with the infidelity disease that is tearing the family apart.

Logically, the above feelings and ideas on how to deal with infidelity make sense. If what you love is under attack, you naturally want to defend, and the best defense is often an aggressive offence.


Here is the problem. This outside lover, regardless of who he or she is, has NO legitimacy or right to talk to any member of the family. This outside person has no entitlement to sit at the boardroom table with the executive committee and decide what to do! Rather, the outside lover should be excluded from discussions and belongs in the wastebasket of history. 

Infidelity occurred when the offender took definite actions to begin the affair. The cheating husband or cheating wife actively participated in the making of this entire crisis; he or she solicited and exchanged phone numbers, met secretly, lied, fell in love, made love, etc. etc. etc. 

Thus, safety can only be established when the offender himself or herself chooses to end the relationship. Stopping the affair is NOT dependent on the paramour — it is dependent on your cheating partner. 

When you — the victim — communicate with the outside lover, you are unintentionally making the statement that your cheating husband or wife can't stop the problem that he or she started. If you were to do this, you will never feel safe or be safe from further victimization since you have established the belief that your partner cannot control these types of situations.

How to stop an affair

Conclusion, don't contact the outside lover — don't give him or her a place in your family. Whatever hold he or she has on your husband or wife, it is solely dependent on your partner allowing this to happen. If your partner 'ends the relationship,' the paramour is gone! 

The only exception to the above might be when your partner has not told this outside lover that he or she is married. Should this be the case, sending an email or asking a third party to inform the outside lover about the facts may be enough to get him or her to run away when he or she knows the truth. This is a bit of a contradiction to the above, but in this circumstance and it may work so it may be worth the deviation.

You are fighting for your family — regardless of your position in this complicated situation —  and you have to know that the solution requires the offending partner to end the relationship himself or herself with the outside lover. Then the partner who cheated must take concrete steps to fix all the relationship damage that he or she has caused.

Surviving infidelity is not easy — but it is necessary for the well-being of each family member. Don't give up!

Comparisons to the Outside Lover Are Devastating

Relationship damage happens when comparing wife to affair partner or when comparing husband to affair partner. Don't do it!

Your cheating is not JUST a betrayal of the sanctity and safety of your marriage or committed relationship, but you also cheated your partner of his or her relationship self-confidence.

After the affair is over, meaning you have ended it with your outside lover and you have decided to stay married, you have a lot of fixing to do.

Trust, security, and your normalcy have all been shattered because of your infidelity.

Your partner thinks that you have cheated because you have found someone better than him or her. The results of your partner's thinking is that he or she compares himself or herself to your outside lover. And without your help, your partner will continue to compare and conclude that he or she is inferior or worthless. 

If your partner is a woman, then she thinks your paramour must be more beautiful, more sexy and fun.

If your partner is a man, then he thinks your paramour has more money, is cooler, and can take better care of you.

This is one of the primary reasons surviving infidelity is so difficult — your partner's self-worth goes up in smoke.

Getting over an affair includes rebuilding your partner's self-esteem.

Psychological damage caused by an affair

Surviving an affair requires that you repair the psychological damage your relationship infidelity has caused to your partner.

You need to reestablish in the mind of your partner your sincere desire to be with him or her because you want him or her in your life.

Your partner fears that you might only be staying in the relationship because of the children, social pressure, financial benefits or because you have been rejected by your outside lover.

None of these reasons will give your legitimate partner the security he or she needs to get past your betrayal. 

Your partner needs to know that the reason you are ending your affair and choosing to stay in your marriage is because you want to reconnect with him or her and share a life together.

Anything less than this will not work. Your cheating will remain an open wound, and your partner will probably compare himself or herself to your outside lover for many years after the affair has ended.

It is not the comparison itself that is so deadly. Rather it is your spouse feeling that your paramour is better and more desirable.

Healing from an affair
Getting over an affair includes convincing your spouse that he or she is preferable in all ways compared to your outside lover.

It is necessary to tell your partner that he or she is preferable over your lover — but this alone is insufficient. You need to prove it with deeds.

The following are some actions that you can take that demonstrate your partner that he or she is your number one person:

If your partner requests that you attend marriage therapy sessions, cooperate and respect his or her need.

If your partner has questions, when you answer them make sure that you are respectful and sensitive and that you take full responsibility for what happened.

Be willing to give time to your partner in whatever way is needed to help him or her recover after the affair is over.

Willingly sacrifice your 'privacy' so your partner can reassure himself or herself that you are no longer in contact with your lover.
"I cheated on my wife," needs to be followed with… "And I came to understand through all of this that my wife is the best woman in the world."

"I cheated on my husband," needs to be followed with… "And I came to understand that my husband is the best man in the world."

When these words are followed by concrete actions, then your partner knows you are getting over the affair because you love him or her.

When your partner sees that you're willing to put him or her first and do what he or she needs to assist in getting over an affair, he or she will be convinced by your actions that you are choosing him or her over your paramour.

An offending partner who cheated proves commitment to the marriage when he or she willingly parts with money and time for healing and recovery. This is an essential step required for successfully surviving an affair.


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